I’m going to do this dating thing, for real. I’m doing it to show myself that I can, and maybe to see if it helps “him” realize that I can to. To be fair, we were both pretty clear when this started, months ago, that we weren’t in it for a “relationship.” (That particular phrasing kills me because the moment you interact with someone, you have a relationship. I have a relationship with my butcher, for chrissake! It’s about being clear about the boundaries and expectations of your relationship, not denying its existence.)
We had something that was pretty great, in a lot of ways. We definitely had our issues, but had made it to the point where we were together every day, most nights, were making plans of things to do together way in the future and weren’t fucking anyone else. Then, we were at Burning Man, in our yurt, in our bed, having driven there together, planned and shopped together and set up house together, and he says to me “we’re not in a relationship.”
This was after I innocently leaned over to give him a kiss (which we’d been doing for days, in front of everyone) and he got pissed because it was in front of some girls.
Got it. We are not in a relationship. Fuck that shit.
I don’t necessarily need to meet anyone. I’m not even sure if I actually want to – partly because I’m still somewhat attached to him (let’s call him TinTin,) and partly because dating takes so much time, and I’d rather spend that time with my daughter or working. But, the thing is, if I don’t, then I”m falling into my usual habit of putting my own self on hold until someone gets around to realizing that they want me. Not gonna do it.
This is really for me. Just to remind me that I can.
So ya, put up a profile on a couple online dating sites, and felt a little guilty about it. But i did tell him that as far as I was concerned, whatever we’d had was quite over. He said he didn’t want to have the conversation. I pointed out that it was not a conversation, it was a statement. I am done with this. If we can spend every waking moment together, and make future plans, and vacation together and you can look me in the eye and say “we’re not having a relationship,” all I can say is, “you are so right!”
Ugh. Wish me luck.
But I am so proud of me.