That Takes Experience!

So last night I went out with a guy that I’ve known peripherally for years, we’ll call him Chap, which is nothing close to his real name. There’s always been a certain flirty chemistry between Chap and I, but we’ve never been single at the same time, and the women I’ve seen him with are so different from me that I’ve never really considered the possibility of anything other than entertaining flirting 4 times a year when we happen to run into each other.

Frankly, the women I typically see him with are a bit on the high-maintenance and fussy side. Fine, if that’s what you’re into, but if that’s what you’re into, you won’t be into me.

We met for a drink last night, with the perfunctory “oh, wow, we’re both single” as the subtext but “just catching up” as the pretext.

Ya, he looked different when he picked me up. Possibility changes the appearance of things we see every day. We had a great time, from start to very messy finish. And in the middle, at least one very interesting conversation about the fact that he routinely dates women MUCH younger than him. Like, half his age is not unprecedented. (He’s a few years older than me, but not quite a handful of years.)

He quipped that women always seem to be engaged in some race to the altar, and looking to have kids. No matter how many times he tells them that he doesn’t want that, they still push it. Well, my dear, that’s because you are dating women who are of the age where that’s what they want. Worse, they’re still young enough to think that they can change you. That if they just love you enough, or give you what they think you want, you’ll change your mind.

It takes a lot of experience to finally learn the tough lesson that YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE! You have to want someone exactly as they are, and whatever evolution happens naturally, together, is awesome, but you can’t change someone into what they wish you were. I gently remind him that if he knew he didn’t want kids and whatever hypothetical girl he was dating did, it’s not nice of him to continue it, because it’s putting her on hold and delaying her goals.

Ya, it’s hard to say “no” to hot ass when you want it.

I have the same problem. I stuck with TinTin longer than I should because his, um, appendages were so magnificently appealing. I had been what a good friend of mine called “dickotomized.” That would be lobotomized by a great dick. We all get that way sometimes.

But its better to find hot sex with people who actually want the same things that you do.

Chap and I laugh. We’ve both been neutered, so over child-bearing are we. “We could fuck all we wanted and never get pregnant!” I say. “Shit, I’ve had too much to drink, clearly,” I think to myself (or shit, did I say that outloud too?) He smiles, “ya, we could, huh.” Uh huh. Then I joke that I am clearly way too old for him. He grins.

We had a fucking great night. Laughing, socializing, completely in synch with each other.

Finally, after dinner, he grabs me and boom. Ya, turns out there’s chemistry. I direct him to my house via a park with lots of hidden parking lots, which he duly pulls into and all manner of yumminess ensues.

“Sorry,” I say,”I specifically didn’t shave so that it would stop me from doing exactly this.” “I wouldn’t have noticed,” he says. Why do I think that will work. Nothing ever stops me when I want someone. And why do I think guys would care?

I had to laugh, as things finally settle down and he remarks, “wow, you’re a natural.” “No, I’ve been practicing that longer than most of the women you date have been alive. That takes experience!”

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About Alyssa Royse

Alyssa is freelance writer, speaker and coach living in Seattle with her husband and their 3 daughters. She is the former host of Sexxx Talk Radio on The Progressive Radio Network, co-founder of NotSoSecret.com, a site dedicated to empowered women's sexuality, and an Associate Editor at The Good Men Project. She can also be found on her eponymous blog, where she pontificates about food, family, politics and the Seattle rain. Yes, she almost certainly wants to speak at your event, run a workshop or write something for you. Just ask.

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