It’s raining men, and I’m feeling all wet. Not necessarily in the good way. More like in the saturated way.
First is the process of coming down from the awesome date with Chap on Friday night. After brushing my teeth and sleeping in the narcotic haze of quality nookie, comes the inevitable, “I wonder if he likes me” stage. Then realizing that I don’t really want to like someone, (not LIKE like them, anyway) because of the almost inevitable anxiety of wondering if it’s mutual. And what may come of it. Whatever, I talk myself through that and go back to my grounded ways, barring the occasional, “okay, that wasn’t my best performance, but if I have another chance, I can totally blow him away.”
I also really don’t want to be the first bounce on the rebound. If we have any potential, it’s only after he’s bounced around a bit and realized that I’m way more awesome than most, which he can’t do if he doesn’t sample all the less-than-awesome. So that’s good.
Regardless, he’s a rock-solid candidate for several different kinds of awesome. So he’s duly filed away on a close-to-the-front burner. Yay.
Today I had lunch with a guy who is, well, frickin’ awesome. And since I’ve only known him for two hours and a couple dozen emails, he’s still perfect. Super brilliant scientist with enough dark and kink to him that he’s not intimidating. We’ll call him Albert. Albert is a great match for me, in lots of ways. So he is now filed right next to Chap, and I already feel something close to guilty. (And occupying significant fantasy space.)
I double check all of my communications. “I am not ready for a relationship now, though I’m open to one, and because of that, I’m looking in lots of nooks and crannies, including yours.” I’ve been clear, that’s good.
But clarity doesn’t change emotions. They just happen. And I have to assume that something is triggered in the men I date also. Probably not the same emotions, but SOME emotions, and I can’t ignore that fact, because I am not a sociopath. They have to be handled with the same delicacy and respect I would want. That takes effort. Good, but effort none the less.
So, tomorrow, I have three dates. Yes, three. Two first dates (both of which have great potential,) and a second date with Sam.
I’m hoping that both of the first dates suck, badly, because when you add Sam into the equation, my burners are getting full.
But here’s the catch. I am not one of those people who can have sex super-freely without having some sort of connection with people. That connection means that I will begin to really take their feelings into account, and that will start to feel like – gasp – a relationship.
This is a great exercise for me. The nature of this process virtually mandates a zen-like detachment coupled with a scientific observation of things. It involves a lot of trust and faith in my own ability to navigate the unpredictable nature of human interactions. And to stay true to what I want and need without letting the needs of others cause me to either compromise or surrender.
Which is why I started this in the first place. To remind myself that this is about me. That I don’t have to wait for TinTin to get his shit together.
Though as we speak, he’s sitting a few feet from me working on a project. And now that I think about it, I’m happy having him there. And compared to Chap and Albert, and even Sam…. there’s no room on the burner for him. The manner in which I love him has clearly shifted, and that’s nice.
Hey, check it out, I learned something. Cool.