Exposing Me

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the day I made the best decision of my life.  The “awakening” as I refer to it hit me like a freight train that day.  I could not do it anymore.

It was time.

And the words just fell right out of my mouth.

That began the long (understatement) process of my divorce, and here I sit 4 years later, to the date, never happier, never regretting the decision for one single moment.  That was the day something in me transitioned.  It was survival instinct in many ways.  I was almost completely gone, and it frightened me.  It was the only way to get me back.  I had tried every other way, to no avail.  And I was terrified that my kids would never know ME.  So I did it.

Today, I sit here all smiles.  I woke up at 5 a.m. just to enjoy the fullness of this day, and where I am now….

4 years later, I’m trying this dating thing again.  I’ve dabbled in it over the last 4 years….a quick, very physical fling, a renewed romance from the past that seemed comfortable but had the same ending it did two decades ago. Those relationships helped me transition physically, emotionally – I learned a lot from these men.  But it has been the END of the three relationships that has transformed me the most.   In all three cases, I (finally) took care of ME.  I (finally) had the courage to like myself more than the idea of being in a relationship.

And, so, here I am, back in the dating scene.  Only, it feels totally different than it ever has in my life. This time, it’s about putting my ROCKIN self out there for the world to see.  I’ve been practicing, with friendships.  And, guess what??  There are people in my life that haven’t stopped liking me even though I’ve been ME around them.

Unguarded ME.

And it’s not just family who’s stuck with me.  These are people with free will.  And I’ve done all sorts of crazy ME things around them and they are still in my life.  Some of the friendships I have now are to the depths of intimacy that I can only relate back to early childhood friendships.

Why?

I think it is because that’s the last time I was unguarded me.

And being the fucking genius I am, I’ve decided that I’m going to apply this to my dates as well.  I know – crazy concept right?

So, here’s how it’s gonna go.  I’m still gonna wear the black trench coat, because quite frankly – it’s hot and I look good in it.  But, I will be exposing myself people, so beware.  I can’t wait to figure out which one of you can’t keep your eyes off me then.

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