When you meet guys through work or friends, you can run a basic background check. Nothing major, but some basic, “is he crazy” stuff. With online dating, it’s a crapshoot, but I guess you’re playing the odds, so that makes sense.
There have been some seriously dodged-bullets. Like the really cute guy who I saved as a “favorite” and he emailed me suggesting we go out, since I was his favorite. (?) Every time I asked him anything about himself, he didn’t answer and just said we should go out. He tried to IM, before I figured out how to turn that off. Sent me about 6 emails in an hour asking when we were going out, until he finally asked why I wouldn’t go out with him. When I responded, “because you won’t tell me anything about you, so I don’t have any reason to.” His response, “You are an insane psycho and you scare me, please don’t contact me ever again and remove me from your favorites, you crazy chick.”
Okay dokay. Got all the information I need now.
There was one guy who I really liked, but didn’t think there was any chemistry with. I was unsure, and thinking about going out with him again to see. The first coffee was on a Tuesday, in an absolutely insane week. I meant to email him and thank him, and I lost track of the time, but was still meaning to…. Until, on Thursday morning, I get an email from him: “Geez Eva, if you didn’t want to go out with me again you could have just told me that, I’m a grown man, I could take it.”
Really, do grown men send pissy, passive-aggressive emails like that? Don’t grown men ask questions?
I wanted to write him back and explain, but I think that was the opening salvo in a co-dependent trap. You say something that makes me feel bad, I say something overly nice to make it all better and we begin the dance in which you get me to do things by making me feel bad rather than expressing yourself directly. All the while never asking me how I think and feel or why something happened, because you just “know” everything. So I didn’t even respond. I know that game, and I’m not playing it.
Wow, I’m growing up.
The day before, I had lunch with someone who ordinarily would make my wiggle wet. A research scientist with a prestigious lab and tons of published papers and lectures that I consumed – if you like smart guys like I like smart guys, it was like porn. To boot, he’s a dedicated father and part time (underwear) model. Yes. Really. Also dark and brooding, which is my heroin to the crack that are big brains. Able to dialog clearly about his battles with depression and anxiety, but in a very recovered way. I find self-awareness sexy, especially when it is reflective and shows a willingness and ability to heal and change.
Lunch was amazing. Total chemistry, incredible conversation, too good to be true, sort of. Then the emails started. 6 and 7 a day, things we could do together, should do together, why wasn’t I over there now snuggling with him, wouldn’t the touch of our bodies make this cold night warmer… These things would be very hot, but only from someone that I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH.
I wanted to email him back and ask him to slow down, take it easy.
But I didn’t. I felt the pull of the sex, the brains, the darkness – things that I love. Things that have never worked for me, but that suck me in like sunshine into a black hole. I want to help, fix, save, solve….. I stopped responding. I realized that even asking him to “change” would be the beginning of that struggle.
Either I can accept and want someone for who they are, or not. That’s what this early stage is about – observing people as they just truly are and assessing whether or not it would be good. (And healthy.)
The next guy, also great emails. We seem to have everything important in common. We meet for coffee, and within 3 seconds, I know there’s no chemistry. I wish I could just end the dates immediately. “Oh, ya, this is not gonna work for me, but thanks for coming out.”
There’s was nothing wrong with this one, really, except that he wanted to talk about sex too much. We had hinted about our sex drives a bit in email, to suss out initial compatibilty, but I don’t want to go into detail with someone I’m not getting it on with. He took the hint, we talked about other stuff, but there was nothing for me, and I think he could tell. But at the end of the coffee he asked for my phone number, and I didn’t want to be rude, so I gave it to him. What, am I 13? I don’t want to see him again, and I know it. Bonus points for him, however, he hasn’t used it. Nor has he emailed me. Dude has intuition and judgement.
But why would you think that talking to me about sex over coffee is a good idea? Doesn’t sex come AFTER we connect on other levels?
On that note, we have a winner. But he lives 3 states away and is only in town for a couple weeks. When I asked him if a comment he made was a thinly veiled, “I’m hoping to get laid,” he responded that he finally learned to ditch that expectation because it taints the whole process for him. But he did observe that men are so much quicker to want to fuck than women – typically. (Obviously, there are always exceptions.) And he asked why.
Ding ding ding, why do you live so far away?
My response to him was:
If someone is into ME, then I can’t be easily replaced, because there is only one me. If someone is just looking for pussy, then not only can I be easily replaced, but I inherently have no value to him, any pussy will do. And why would I want to fuck someone who doesn’t value me? There’s no physical or emotional safety in fucking people who don’t value and protect you. What are the odds that he’ll really try to please me? Or that there will be enough trust and passion to do anything interesting?
The more subtle aspect is that sex feels better when it pushes ALL your buttons – heart, soul, imagination etc….. Impossible for that to happen if you don’t know each other well enough to have ready access to all those emotional buttons. May as well just watch porn and play with toys.
He totally got it. Why does he live 3 states away. (More importantly, why is THAT so attractive to me? Fear intimacy much?) We’re meeting in a couple days. This guy is very likely to get seriously laid.