First Impressions Matter

Okay, Veronica and Eva have hysterical (and sad) stories about dating, and I’m feeling a little left out. They’re both dating way more than me, and their stories, frankly, explain why I am not dating that much. I’m in no rush here. When I decided to do this dating thing it was to see what was out there and learn a little something about myself.

One of the things that I’ve learned is that I am truly in no hurry. The other is that I am either way too picky (likely,) way too judgmental (very likely,) or there are just a lot of guys out there that I would never even give a second look (provable.) Seriously, let’s take a look at some of the guys who have contacted me; their photos and their brilliant words.

You can say anything you want about me, but would you go out with them? (If you’re a guy, you can call me bitchy, but I’m going to offer you some really sound advice, I promise.)


1. I don’t even know what to say. You and your XBox? Have you given up on people? Are you looking for a femmedroid? Even if you love gaming, you don’t show a photo of you making love to a console in a way that tells any woman that not only is she forever second best, but you probably wouldn’t know what to do with her anyway, so why bother.  And no, a picture of you with the Beatles game, that you stood in line for hours to get on release day, does not help. It makes it worse.

2. I’m gonna let this guy speak for himself, since I just can’t do it justice. “Hey girl whats up!? 😀 Hate to be “that guy” but I’ve been burnt to many times by women so I’m resulting to what I know best. Would you be interested in possibly hooking up? 😉 I figure what better way to open up the door and get all the awkward getting to know each other out of the way than having freaking awesome sexy time together after getting the basic jist for the other? lol Sorry if I’m too honest for you but I’m a very open and honest guy who just hasn’t had luck with women doing it their way so now I’m doing it mine.” (I am assuming that “burnt” means “didn’t get laid,” and he’s hoping this direct approach, combined with this charming picture, will do the trick. I’m thinking he’s “burnting” himself.)

3. I kind of appreciate the direct approach here. “I keep my dog where you keep your pussy.” I think, however, that I’m supposed to be looking at the ripped deltoids, which is kinda hot. BUT, if you’re using muscle pictures to attract chicks, it’s a very direct way of saying, “I’m just in this for the bodies, and I’m super shallow.” Thank goodness you clearly know how to stroke your wiener.

4. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. Situation. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. Jersey. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. Skanky. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words. 1,000 words.

5. This one one deserves a series, to enjoy the full splendor. First, click on the screen shot of our dialog on the left. REALLY?!

Now, a few salient points: He lives 1,000 miles away from me, and according to OK Cupid we are a 50% match. Now click on his self-summary.

6. This guy can also speak for himself. Sort of. “HEY IM IN JUNEAU like to chat im 32 brennon
im a really open strat up person ask anything
i know i dont live by you bout what the hell
i just got this so why not
and i must say your really good looking to
up to you im a really open person ask me anything you like

i chat on alout of things ”  But ya, when your words fail you, a drunken shot of you sliding your tongue INTO a beer bottle will get you the chick. Because, you know, we like it when guys think that cunnilingus is really just tongue-fucking.

Honestly, this is so interesting that I really have forgotten why I set up an online dating profile in the first place. I’m all in for the entertainment factor now. When the novelty wears off I’ll probably get depressed and worry about the future of our species. But for now, this is better than TV.

But guys, if you’re not gettin’ any action, you may want to work on that first impression. And for the rest of you, if you wonder why our guards are up and were cynical and skeptical of men in general, here’s your answer. We’re dodging this crap on a regular basis.

This entry was posted in Alyssa Royse and tagged , by Alyssa Royse. Bookmark the permalink.

About Alyssa Royse

Alyssa is freelance writer, speaker and coach living in Seattle with her husband and their 3 daughters. She is the former host of Sexxx Talk Radio on The Progressive Radio Network, co-founder of, a site dedicated to empowered women's sexuality, and an Associate Editor at The Good Men Project. She can also be found on her eponymous blog, where she pontificates about food, family, politics and the Seattle rain. Yes, she almost certainly wants to speak at your event, run a workshop or write something for you. Just ask.

One thought on “First Impressions Matter

  1. You know I used to think I was kinda crass, obnoxious, narcissitic and bit over the top, but hey, I liked it that way when i was doing the thug street thing. I carried it like a mantle of protection.

    Compared to these freaking Moroonies I was freaking Cary Grant, no wonder i had so much fun despite my flaws LOL

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