Talk is not Cheap, it’s Hot.

Let me just say, I love healthy, respectful discussion.  It’s a REAL turn on for me.

That said, this series of (so far) 4 previous blog posts by Alyssa and me

1. a little help here

2. it’s a jungle out there

3. she’s a brick house

4. eye candy, sugar daddies and cougars (oh my!)

have inspired a lot of discussion.  And yes, it’s a discussion that needs to be heard by a lot of people, hopefully many chime in!

When we talk about that state of, as one reader called it, “dating-suspended-animation”, I think some of it has to do with being emotionally cut off or numb.  I think most adults post-divorce have numbed themselves, either as a result of the dynamic in their relationship OR because of an inability to feel/recognize their feelings that developed as a result of the relationship. Perhaps it’s something else altogether. I’m not sure. I just know that even toward the end of my own relationship I was very numb and drank a lil too much at times. At the same time I see friends who are still married (happily?) numbing themselves through drugs or alcohol and I wonder if they are in touch with how they really feel. Here’s an example: just last night I was at a restaurant/bar watching four 30-something married guys. They were not celebrating anything but they were sitting at the bar eating and drinking together. They reminded me of 20-something guys who were once rabid dogs who are always hungry and on the hunt.  Now, here they are living in the suburbs, they are tamed mutts that are used to being fed fine table scraps. They talked about their jobs and wives. A few gems: “I’m gonna get myself snipped pronto” – I presume this is in reference to future parenting options.  And “dude, she’s pissed at you?? why? because you are fucking awesome??”.  One guy was a drunk puddle who seemed so sad; it made me sad. I could picture him and how he probably has a lovely wife at home who isn’t happy herself anymore and they are struggling through a rough patch but probably NOT talking about it. *sigh*

As for finding a relationship with someone our own age, reading what this reader wrote about “what we ought to do” (see comment section) is hot… this guy gives me hope for dating at this age. Let’s hope more of us can “hear” this message.  As you can see, I wrote about my own preferences aging with me in the Brick House blog post.  I want to find someone with whom I can talk about raising my kids too and ALL of the things Alyssa already wrote about; I want to find someone with wisdom and experience that ONLY comes with age.

In another part of my life I write about sex.  I believe these are the Keys to Good Sex: Education, Communication and Exploration*.  I think the reason why discussion of important, thought provoking topics is a turn on for me is this: If we can discuss the deep stuff like this then all the other stuff is easy.  I never want a man to censor himself with me.  I DO care and want to know how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what scares you, what thrills you, etc.  And conversely, I want you to love me for all my feelings and all the ways in which I am amazing. And it makes me feel WAAAY more loving and connected with you if we can talk in a loving, respectful way.  To think of those keys another way, educate me about you through honest communication and the exploration piece is going to be a lot more fun.

xxoo

*copyright 2011 The MamaSutra

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One thought on “Talk is not Cheap, it’s Hot.

  1. I was having breakfast with a friend this morning, and we were talking about the old “crazy chicks are better in bed” notion. He’s my age, and I am guessing rather fun in bed, though I’m not likely to ever know that first-hand.

    He summed it up nicely by saying that crazy chicks are better in bed, the first time. But “sane” chicks are better in bed the 5th – 500th time. In his mind – and I totally agree with him – it’s because the more stable ones are checking all their boundaries and safety gear, so they know they can really let go. And they let go more and more as their partners prove themselves to be a safe place to let go. Kind of like good climbing gear – once you know it all works to keep you safe, you can take on Everest, otherwise it’s an endless jaunt of training sprints up your local hill.

    The problem, he thought, was that most guys just aren’t patient enough. All of which speaks to your idea of good communication being HOT. It is.

    I know that the sex I really crave requires me to feel VERY safe and connected to my partner. And that just doesn’t happen after a few drinks. Sometimes not even after a few dates. Some of that may be “selfish,” I know what I’ve got and I’m not giving it away to just anyone. But more of it has to do with wanting to be physically and emotionally safe. If you show me that we can communicate and that I can trust you to protect me, then the things we do will get more and more interesting.

    I like Everest. And I like to know that your ropes can hold me.

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