The Penisometer

Telling your ex that he has a spectacular penis and you don’t know how you’ll live without it is not necessarily the best way to break-up. Especially at the end of an “I swear to god, this is the last time we’re ever doing this, so let’s go all out” fuck session. Talk about strings attached. Big, hard, throbbing strings that you put in his hand and say, “here, pull this, you can probably get me back.” Smart.

So I had to step back and figure out why it was that I was having a hard time letting go of the ex. He’s a great guy and all that, but we are not compatible in any way shape or form. I was about to give up on him, months ago when we were “just” hanging out, until I saw it. All of it. He was getting out of the shower and there it was, all relaxed, like a fucking NBA player relaxes.

I told that to a friend and she said, “you never know, maybe he’s a show-er, not a grower.” I assured her that it didn’t matter.

Suddenly, all the reasons that I was going to give up on him disappeared into the long shadow cast by an amazing cock. I just wanted that thing, and was willing to put up with anything shy of actual assholery to get it. (He had a kajillion incompatibilities and flaws, but none of them were actually being mean.) Once I had it, I was what my friend Alyssa referred to as “dickotimized.” Lobotomized by a great dick.

So the other night, after our last fuck (really, it was, I am not going back there) he was walking away to go tidy up, and he asked about the other guys I was seeing. I mostly demured and deferred and didn’t answer, but I did realize that I was kind of on the fence. And that I knew what would push me to one side of the fence or the other: seeing their cocks.

Happened with the ex, pushed me into the “totally into him” camp. It’s happened the other way too, really into a guy, saw his cock and, eh, that aint gonna work for me, completely killed it. While the nuances of size don’t matter, the basics do – it has to be big enough to feel it. Really. Sorry, it does.

So now I’m thinking that my general strategy of getting to know a guy for 5 or 6 dates before having penis contact is a bad idea. Inefficient. A waste of time. I think I should inquire about that right up front, like I do about everything else.

Because a great guy with a lame cock could be a great friend, but is not likely to be my lover or the love of my life. And apparently, a lame-ish guy with a great cock is likely to be my lover, but not necessarily the love of my life. How I feel about his cock is a great indicator of what kind of relationship I’m gonna want to have with him.

Somewhere, there is a man who is totally compatible and has a great cock. (And knows how to use it.)

Now I’m admiring the wisdom of Prince Charming. He got to go through the whole town sliding that glass slipper on to women’s feet to find Cinderalla, and the perfect fit was it. Is it equally charming if I ask men to bring out their cocks and slide them in, to see if it’s a perfect fit? Because, honestly, that’s a pretty good indicator of whether or not we’ll be “happily ever after.”

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3 thoughts on “The Penisometer

  1. Ha! In all fairness, I didn’t come up with the term “dickotimized.” A friend told it to me, as she was accusing me of the same thing. I know this happens, and I wish it didn’t. So here’s my advice (which I know I already told you, but you didn’t see fit to share it with the world):

    Remove his cock from the equation, and ask yourself if you would still want him? His habits, attitudes, goals, lifestyle? If the answer is “no,” then the best cock in the world won’t be able to hold up the relationship – cut him off. Him and his delicious cock, no going back for THAT.

    As for the reverse, being into someone whose cock is not working for you, that’s harder. The truth is, if it doesn’t cut it, it doesn’t cut it, and it’s never going to. If you’re not all that into sex (which I know is not the case with you) then maybe it’s okay. But in general, I tell people that sexual compatibility matters more than you realize, if you’re after a long-term thing. As I think I’ve told you and lots of other people, if you can’t fuck your way through the hard times, times are gonna keep getting harder – and not in the good way.

    Sex bonds us on a biochemical level, and if you don’t really REALLY feel that chemical bonding, it’ll come undone as soon as the stresses of life are applied.

    If you do feel those chemical bonds, and his cock is kinda sorta good enough, then there are plenty of ways to make it all work. But if there’s just no way, there’s just no way. I’ve been there….. It sucks.

  2. Pingback: Underwear Under There | Dating Mommies

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