Melting pt. 2. Melting leaves a mess on the floor. AKA get a fucking grip

Ok, so here’s the deal.  Melty guy is making me melt.  Totally.  And it’s making a big giant mess that I totally don’t understand how to deal with.  I have feelings.  How the hell did that happen?  Numb is so much better.  I understand numb.  Numb and I are buddies.  Numb never picks on me.  Numb is my friend.  Numb is my friend with low expectations.

And now I have feelings.  Not fair.  I don’t know what to do with feelings.  It’s like being dumped in (insert random foreign country where you’d be afraid to be dumped).  I don’t know the language, the culture, the traditions.  I am so out of it.  All the confidence I had when I was just dating is right out the window.  I feel less prepared for a relationship than I ever have in my life.

And running seems like the best option.  Because this is messy.  I feel like I just walked in and sat down at the final exam of a class I never attended.  This is messy, I am messy, and I can’t get a grip.  It’s like a fucking cheesy romance/comedy hour/horror picture in my head.  I get all dreamy – oh man, he likes me.  I like him.  This is so darn perfect.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he’s fun to be with, we have things in common, we share thoughts deeply, we are totally in sync physically, the sex is AMAZING.  And then my mind flips to – well, this should last for about another 30 seconds.  I’m sure there’s a big bomb waiting to drop.  Surely he’ll bore of me quickly.  Actually, probably already has…just doesn’t have the guts to tell me.  But he said I was perfect for him.   But that was probably just a line.  But maybe it wasn’t.  But what if it was.  What if this is fate?  What if this is ridiculous?

And, yes, it is me who is ridiculous.  I’m a math girl.  Always have been, always will be.  I like a solution.  I’m always trying to solve for “x”.  But when “x” is love, or life for that matter, it is absolutely absurd.  Yet my brain is wired to keep on keepin on ….. what’s the answer?  what will happen?  what’s the solution?  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

No answer today.  Probably not tomorrow either.  Gotta get a grip before I run.  I don’t think the running is gonna get me where I want to go.   But boy is it tempting.  Time to let my mind wander in circles again…………wonder what crazy scenarios I’ll dream up tonight?

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One thought on “Melting pt. 2. Melting leaves a mess on the floor. AKA get a fucking grip

  1. You, my dear, are not trying to solve for X. You are trying to insert X into an already working equation so that you’ll have a problem to solve. This is the problem with people who like to fix things: If something isn’t broken, they’ll break it in order to fix it.

    Don’t run. Please don’t run. He is clearly pointing you to the real things to solve. The “WHY DO I RUN?” questions. Please stay put, in the safe, happy and sexy place, so that you can solve that one.

    But don’t run. The very impulse to do so is evidence that you have something big and wonderful. Have it. Please.

    I am in a similar place, except that, for whatever reason, I have chosen not to be afraid, and not to run. And I’m the queen of problem-creating-so-I-can-solve-them-on-the-run. It’s worth it.

    And if it falls apart on you because he’s a serial killer, we’ll all be here for you then. And you’ll learn something….. 🙂

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