Sex and the Single Mother… And Her Kids.

Previously published on Good Vibrations Magazine’s Sexy Mamas Blog
There are lots of challenges to being a single mother; Dating when you have small children is one of them.

I’m very protective of my girls, as I’m sure you are of your children, as well. I’ve started dating a new guy who I really like.  We’ve have been able to see each other often and, after a bit of screening, comes over in the evenings after my girls are in bed.  Marcia and Cindy have asked to meet him but I told them no, not yet. It’s not appropriate.  I have explained to my children that they are #1 in terms of importance to me and that I am protecting them.

My sensitivity is around introducing them to anyone new too soon.  For example, if things didn’t work out with us early on in the relationship, not having met him would save my children the potential heartbreak of having another person leave their life.  As it is right now, my children understand that he and I are dating…a process where we go out on dates to movies or dinner, etc, he brings dinner for the two of us some nights after the girls go to bed, I talk to him on the phone and we text each other; a courtship if you will.  The girls see my reaction to everything and I’m open with them about how this relationship makes me feel.  If this man makes it past the screening process, and he and I determine we want things to progress to a more committed stage (however this commitment is defined), then I will make the introductions.

Conversely, I have also told my children that, as their mother and protector, I want to meet anyone they date right away as opposed to waiting until they are “in a relationship.” I want to normalize this expectation now while they are young so it’s not strange later and I don’t get the “But MOOOooooOOOM…” that would inevitably follow.

I plan to tell my daughters that when they do start dating, I expect that their date will come over to have family dinner with us 2 or 3 times BEFORE they will be permitted to go out on a date on their own. I plan to tell my daughters that I value close personal relationships with intimacy.   I want to help them grow in love and closeness to the person they are dating before they get intimate, even if I haven’t always done this myself.  I plan to point out that they are wonderful, whole little beings right now as they are and that getting older doesn’t mean they need another person to COMPLETE them.

Will it be possible that they even look forward to dating this way?   I think laying the foundation now along with my values explanation is what is important. So far, I have shared with them (often!!) that no matter what they do or which path they choose, I’m going to love them totally and unconditionally.  And I hope my behavior thus far has set that foundation for them to understand that I’m speaking the truth.

So, from now until they start dating, I’m going to do my best to continue to be open and non-judgmental about sex and sexuality. I’m going to try to be open with my children about the feelings I have about dating. We already talk openly about sex; I’m sure somewhere down the road soon Marcia will inquire about whether or not I’m having sex with this person.  I’ll cross that bridge if and when I should get to it.

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The Safer Sex Trifecta – or What Happens When A Sexologist Doesn’t Have A Partner

originally posted on TheMamaSutra.net

From time to time, I get products to review, and occasionally I need a partner. Well, not long ago I had a product to review, one that required me to have a partner, and they wanted a quick turnaround for the review. The dilemma for me was not about the product. My issue is that I am currently partnerless. I needed to make a plan. So what does one do if they are a sexologist and they don’t have a partner? I guess the same thing a lay person (#sexjoke) would want to do…

There was this guy I met a while ago. I’d really sort of been fantasizing about him. He’s intelligent, smiley, genuine, and really fun and sexy. We initially met at an event where we had mutual friends there, had gone on one actual date (but didn’t go home together), in between meeting up several times at events together to dance, and got to know each other pretty well as friends via phone, text, and facebook. Full disclosure: There had been kissing but never anything more than that (and can I just add here how hot the kisses were? Which contributed to why I reached out to him. Duh). We were friendly (occasionally really friendly on the dance floor), so I took a chance to send a text message (yeah, a TEXT MESSAGE) while he was traveling for work and I said…

just kidding. It wasn't indecent at all.

just kidding. It wasn’t indecent at all.

I continued on to describe the product and what I was testing and that I would need his feedback. He asked if Friday when he returned would work for me. Um, are you kidding?? YES! I get to anticipate having sex with this guy all week?? Yippee!

…Later he told me that my proposal was “one of the better lines” he’d heard. And thanked me for flattering his ego.

I’m not going to give you the play-by-play – I have that stored in my memory bank (spank bank??) for me for later. I will say it was yummy. Being in this situation where we never had sex before but now knowing that we totally would be able to… it was hot. We stepped into this playful game of Consent… Breathlessly between kisses I started with, “May I take off your shirt?” He whispered, “yes, please.” And then he reciprocated with a question of his own, and I answered “yes”. …  Back and forth, everything started with “May I?”

I just want to add here, for all of you out there who say “Oh I hate it when a guy asks me if he can kiss me”, “just take what you want dammit”, “don’t be a wimp” or whatever… may I suggest that you are NOT playing with the right attitude? This exercise was so freaking hot… Every question or piece of clothing being removed seemed to build up the tension. The tone of his voice? The volume? The intensity? Goosebumps.

Fast forwarding again. 🙂 We had the conversation about STI’s and how long ago since we were tested and discussed the fact that we were going to use condoms. So, when we actually got the that point, we paused to make some decisions. I had a sampler pack from LuckyBloke with about 15 different kinds of condoms. We discussed what the features were of each one and I let him decide which one he wanted to try. Naturally, he lost his erection while we were talking about the technical stuff. Lots of guys seem to get bashful about any momentary softness – let me just add here… that ebb and flow of tumescence and flaccidity? It’s normal; guys, you’re really not all expected to be 12 inches long, stay rock hard, and last all night.

ONE_6_flavors

The next time I chose which condom we used. That sampler pack from the good people at LuckyBloke had many great options (p.s., send more please :)). I have discovered that I have a favorite type – The One brand Flavor Waves – for a few reasons:

  1. they come in fun colors which add a fun, festive aspect. Sex educator extraordinaire Megan Andelloux suggests color coding for the various holidays, you know, just for fun.
  2. if there are any tears or holes in the condom then they are easier to spot once unrolled onto the penis than in traditional condoms.
  3. it makes putting condoms on with your mouth so much more tasty – a fun party trick you can easily learn to make condom application fun and part of your play… I hesitated to put a quick video tutorial for this part on here although I thought about it.

– – it was the icing on the cake for the Safer Sex Trifecta (Talking about STI’s/Testing, Consent, and Using Protection).

I share this story for a few reasons. You’re more likely to get what you want if you ask for it, and getting the other person’s consent can be pleasurable and lead to some fun-filled experiences. For both of you. It doesn’t matter if you are a sexologist or not, go out and ask for what you want. But make sure to listen for the “YES”.

NOTE: theCondomReview.com did not put me up to this review (I was reviewing a different product). The sampler pack was sent NSA – no strings attached. I am including the site in this story because I am pleased with the product she sent to me. You may use the code AMAZING for 20% off everything at theCondomReview.com until August 31, 2013. Tell them I sent you.

Xxoo
The MamaSutra (Lanae)

“He’s just not that into you”? We’ll see if that’s true. :)

Dating for me lately feels like a series of starts and stops. And lately it’s been more “stop”.

I feel like I have been so busy with work lately and I have not been making time for dating – you know, meeting people for coffee or going out for drinks or going on hikes, etc. Since I write from home I have a limited footprint of possible places to meet men. It’s been kids’ camp -> home -> back to camp -> whole foods -> home. If I hit the grocery store at about 5:30, then there seems to be an uptick in men shopping but I’m really not that bold to ask someone out. It’s bad enough that I embarrass my daughters when I do make idle small talk with the random cute guy wearing no ring – but I make small talk with women as well – And I have yet to make a date with anyone, or have anyone ask me out for that matter, as a result of my chattiness. *sigh*

Chemistry and connection are so important for me. I have been out lately going to different fundraising events for the festival I will attend at the end of August. I’ve met a couple men at these events with whom I sense a connection mainly because of the tremendous community. Certainly ones I am sexually attracted to… To be honest, I’m a little afraid of asking them out. I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my doing that but, knowing the societal “norms” and the messages people get even today that “women should never ask men out”, I fear rejection.

Recently a guy tried to tell me that men want what they can’t have and, by extension, women asking men out is flying in the face of this. Here’s the thing: I know lots of men AND women who want what they can’t have. Personally, I’m not a fan of playing games or waiting idly by for someone I want to get to know better to maybe get the hint that I would go out with him if he asked. Did I mention I am completely unskilled at the art of flirting? Besides, I feel more comfortable being direct and less ambiguous when I’m interested in someone. So in this instance, it behooves me to give myself the advice that I would give any of my girlfriends:

1. Ask anyway.
2. Be prepared to get a “no”.
3. Be okay with that.
4. In that case, it’s NOT you, it’s HIM. 🙂
5. Also, be prepared to get a “yes”.
6. Be joyful.
7. In either situation, pat yourself on the back for asking and surviving!

We’ve all heard it thousand times: How will you get what you want if you don’t ask for it? Or put another way, you will never know until you ask. I saw a quote recently. “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover” — Mark Twain

Not everyone grips so tightly to those societal norms. And you know what? I know for me, with my open, honest style, I want someone who is not bothered or offended or “emasculated” by my asking. For all of us, the right person is going to be okay with this.

xxoo
L

Sometimes, Girlfriends Are Better

The Dating Mommies have been away for a while. We apologize if you missed us and wondered where we went.

Alyssa has found a love like none other. Her new husband Brady is quite a keeper. I’m sure Alyssa will write a post of her own to update you. In the past year I dated one person who had issues of their own not yet resolved, and while it was easy and comfortable for me, it wasn’t what I wanted or needed so it ended. I don’t like to speak negatively about exes so I’ll leave it at that (although some info about that relationship do show up in this interaction below).

I am back to dating and I have recruited the old bloggers who are still available to join me in blogging about the trials & tribultions of dating as a 40+ mother again… and also a few new friends will be joining us.

For those of you just finding the Dating Mommies now – Welcome! We hope you enjoy the ride.

——————————————-

If any of you wonder if Alyssa and I are friends and really spend time talking with one another about regular stuff (not just sex), here’s an excerpt of a text conversation we had earlier this month. No, we don’t always have things perfectly figured out – just like many of our girlfriends. Yes, we do occasionally need to be reminded of advice we would give to others if the tables were turned. Sometimes we just can’t see the forest for the trees.

  • Alyssa Royse

    You doing okay?

  • no contact

    im ok

    dunno what the last i shared w u on the situation was

  • couple days ago. you were sad, understandably.

  • we’re on a break again. i think he’s really scared of how we got so close so fast. I know I was

  • CUT LOOSE!

  • of course im rationalizing. I’m good at that

    i basically have. im dating again

  • don’t rationalize. you do not need to give someone space to realize how great you are.

  • yeah. i know that

  • remember what happened when you kept rationalizing blake’s behavior.

  • ugh

    why was i doing that again?

     lol
  • be free, young one.

    because it’s a tough habit to break.

    That one guy helped me break it!

  • i know that

    which part was i rationalizing with blake, cuz his issues were different than this guy

    this one i sense is just scared of my power

    or he’s afraid of intimacy too

  • the “i know he is not giving me what I need and reacts negatively to who i really am, but it’s okay because….”

  • lol

  • YOU DO NOT WANT SOMEOME WHO IS SCARED OF YOUR POWER. YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO IS FUCKING DRAWN TO IT.

  • he was.

    truly

    but when i told this guy i think i’m falling in love he backed off

    but seriously, why does anyone listen to tipsy post coital blatherings? dammit – i haven’t felt love for so long – what i said was closer to “i think i’m developing feelings” than “MARRY ME”

  • Alyssa Royse

Because in their own tipsy post coital haze, when you say “i think I’m developing feelings” an insecure person will hear, “I am about to judge and test everything you think to be true about yourself so that you can watch it fall apart piece by piece, thus proving your are worthless and deserve to die alone.” Surely you can see how those sound the same.

hmm. i didnt think that

 That’s because you’re a grown up.

find one who wants to STAY in it. LOTS of men have been attracted to my power, then scared of it when they got in. staying power matters.

  • i know i want someone who can handle that

    and i’m not waiting

    like i tried to w blake

    im absolutely on board with what you are saying

  • I know you are. And you’d say it to me. but we never remember when its ourselves.

     not even me.
  • which is also why i appreciate you telling me again!

  • Cut loose. Fully. Not a break, but a break up. He can come back later if he changes….

  • he’s got stuff to figure out and i’m not staying and waiting for it

  • YAY!

  • well i think that’s what we’ve done but we’re still connected via skype and fb. if we want contact we will be in contact. so far nothing

    you knew we were on a 2 wk break right?

he text me thurs, fri (both days a sort of thinking of you – not booty call – text), then sat insisted he come to pick me up from my event which was in his hood. that was a booty call

monday i said i don’t want booty calls w you

  • no, i didn’t know it was a 2 week break. i thought you were done, which is why I was surprised to hear you weren’t.

  • that’s when we decided basically we’re done. and it hadn’t been 2 wks

  • good. be done.

  •  yup

    im going about my life

  • it sucks. i know.

  • i think i’ve ID’d my man obsession:

  • who?

  • no, why. i write and talk sex every damn day, it kills me to not have physical contact with a man. i can masturbate until my fingers are prune but it doesn’t fulfill me.

    pruney

    shriveled.

    you get the idea

    lol

  • that sounds human. intimacy matters, but unlike sex, you can’t fake it.

  • BOOM

    yup

  • and the cheap substitutes just make it worse.

  • Ab-so-fuckin-lutely

  • you want it so badly you’re willing to accept substitutes.

    I get it .

    I did it.

    I’d still be doing it if I hadn’t met brady.

  • well, not substitutes so much as bookmarks

  • but you are SO WORTH IT.

     bookmarks, better.

    but they hold space and keep you stuck where you were, not where you want to go.

  • i’m getting closer. i can taste it

  • you are. I know it.

  • I almost said spaceholders

    exactly. space holders/bookmarks. we’re totally talking about the same thing

    either way, no advancement

  • i think it’s all connected…… let’s get the work stuff rolling and the personal stuff will follow. plus, i think you’ll get a lot of the intimacy and pride and momentum you need that way.

    YUP!

    ——————————–
    So here I am… I’m waiting for Vizzini… (no, I’m not calling you Fezzik, Alyssa. Although my hair on a bad day could be seen as Inigo’s… Hmm)
    Wish me (and the rest of the Dating Mommies) success!
    xxoo
    L

Talk is not Cheap, it’s Hot.

Let me just say, I love healthy, respectful discussion.  It’s a REAL turn on for me.

That said, this series of (so far) 4 previous blog posts by Alyssa and me

1. a little help here

2. it’s a jungle out there

3. she’s a brick house

4. eye candy, sugar daddies and cougars (oh my!) Continue reading

She’s a Brick House

I have a guy friend who wanted to weigh in on the last two blogs by Alyssa and me.

He tried to give me an analogy using Real Estate to explain our situation.

Remember the guy who got 5 dates immediately?  He’s the cute house on the corner that people have been waiting to come on the market.  The minute it (he) does there are plenty of agents (friends) who have the perfect buyers (ladies). Continue reading

How does this work for Single moms with kids?

Given my career choice, I come across lots of articles on dating and relationships, besides all of the sex stuff.  I saw this article and can get my head around it.  In theory, I like it.  But the article All The Single Ladies fails to address one thing in my opinion.  Yes, it’s fun and fabulous to be single and unattached, foot loose and fancy free… but what about the sisters who are newly single and who have children?

Continue reading