Just fooling myself… (?)

I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t need a man in my life.. and yet I’m so picky. and part of me is pissed that an ass like my ex can find someone who loves him and he loves and I am left alone.. to be played by every guy I allow to enter my life (and body)…

maybe I’m just fooling myself .. maybe I do want to be loved and wanted.. I just haven’t met someone who fits that bill… who I find appealing and can satisfy my needs and urges and lets me be myself.

….and as a result, I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life….


Strike 10 — you’re out!

I recently met someone on a free dating site. I know, I know.. you get what you pay for. He seemed to meet all the criteria I was asking for and trust me, I am picky. He was tall, funny, employed, a good father, responsive to emails, and very complimentary. Unfortunately due to a family emergency our first scheduled date was canceled. We rescheduled for a lunch date because I was going to be in his neighborhood an hour away the following week. Great, super, fine….

I drove the hour and we decided to meet at a place where I had to drop off my daughter.

As I was getting close he said he had not yet picked a sushi place for lunch. STRIKE ONE. (What do you mean you haven’t picked a place?? I am in your town, you have known about this first date and you don’t know where we are eating?)

He says we will eat at a diner across the way, yes, a diner. fine. whatever, it’s food, who needs to be wined and dined, it’s just lunch. The parking lot is so crowded as we both pull in when I see a spot ahead. He promptly pulls in to the spot and doesn’t let me park there. I, in turn have to wait for someone to leave and pull out so I can park my car. STRIKE TWO. (Seriously? I was ready to drive away at this point.)

In that same initial call where he told me he hadn’t yet chosen a place to eat, he also told me he was in weekend mode and had not shaved yet. Hmm.. that could be sexy- I guess. Until I see what he is wearing. STRIKE THREE. He is wearing ripped jeans- not the fashionable kind- a hoodie with uneven strings dangling down, and a poofy vest, which he doesn’t even take off when we sit down to eat. THIS is your idea of getting ready for a date? You’re 45. I’ve seen people at the gym dressed better than that. Hell– I’ve seen people on the corner of a city street asking me for money dressed better than that. And yet I stay.. I’m hungry. it’s a diner. I will eat eggs.

We look over the menu and at this point I feel nothing. Anything I could have felt is simply gone. I’ve even lost my appetite and all I am thinking about is when the lunch date will end. He orders first.. SURPRISE….An omelet with mushrooms and onions. Onions? for real? on a first date? That’s just EW. STRIKE FOUR.

The conversation is forced and I’m not sure how many times he told me he was funny and a great catch. I lost count. yawn. STRIKE FIVE.

In this thrilling conversation I find out that his house is in foreclosure, he moved out in May and lived with a friend and they both got sick of each other in 2 months, now he has his own ‘pad’ and his divorce is going to be 1, 2, 3. yeah ok…. STRIKE SIX, SEVEN and EIGHT.

You're OUT!

He finished eating before I did. How could he not have, he was shoveling the food in like there was no tomorrow. STRIKE NINE. But worst of all when he was done and I was still eating he picked up his napkin and blew his nose… STRIKE TEN– You’re OUT!

I inhale my food and look at my watch and we agree it’s time to go. We both had to be somewhere else soon. Before paying he asks me out for another date. I kindly say that I don’t date men who are not officially divorced. It’s not entirely true. But having just survived a nasty divorce myself, I just don’t have it in me to go through another person’s divorce. And that is what I said. Again I heard what a great funny guy he is and how much fun we would have. I just smiled and shook my head, gave him a slight distant hug, thanked him for the omelet and quickly got into my car.

Was I being too picky? I don’t think so. You only get one chance at a first impression and frankly.. he blew it!  (literally)