The Safer Sex Trifecta – or What Happens When A Sexologist Doesn’t Have A Partner

originally posted on

From time to time, I get products to review, and occasionally I need a partner. Well, not long ago I had a product to review, one that required me to have a partner, and they wanted a quick turnaround for the review. The dilemma for me was not about the product. My issue is that I am currently partnerless. I needed to make a plan. So what does one do if they are a sexologist and they don’t have a partner? I guess the same thing a lay person (#sexjoke) would want to do…

There was this guy I met a while ago. I’d really sort of been fantasizing about him. He’s intelligent, smiley, genuine, and really fun and sexy. We initially met at an event where we had mutual friends there, had gone on one actual date (but didn’t go home together), in between meeting up several times at events together to dance, and got to know each other pretty well as friends via phone, text, and facebook. Full disclosure: There had been kissing but never anything more than that (and can I just add here how hot the kisses were? Which contributed to why I reached out to him. Duh). We were friendly (occasionally really friendly on the dance floor), so I took a chance to send a text message (yeah, a TEXT MESSAGE) while he was traveling for work and I said…

just kidding. It wasn't indecent at all.

just kidding. It wasn’t indecent at all.

I continued on to describe the product and what I was testing and that I would need his feedback. He asked if Friday when he returned would work for me. Um, are you kidding?? YES! I get to anticipate having sex with this guy all week?? Yippee!

…Later he told me that my proposal was “one of the better lines” he’d heard. And thanked me for flattering his ego.

I’m not going to give you the play-by-play – I have that stored in my memory bank (spank bank??) for me for later. I will say it was yummy. Being in this situation where we never had sex before but now knowing that we totally would be able to… it was hot. We stepped into this playful game of Consent… Breathlessly between kisses I started with, “May I take off your shirt?” He whispered, “yes, please.” And then he reciprocated with a question of his own, and I answered “yes”. …  Back and forth, everything started with “May I?”

I just want to add here, for all of you out there who say “Oh I hate it when a guy asks me if he can kiss me”, “just take what you want dammit”, “don’t be a wimp” or whatever… may I suggest that you are NOT playing with the right attitude? This exercise was so freaking hot… Every question or piece of clothing being removed seemed to build up the tension. The tone of his voice? The volume? The intensity? Goosebumps.

Fast forwarding again. 🙂 We had the conversation about STI’s and how long ago since we were tested and discussed the fact that we were going to use condoms. So, when we actually got the that point, we paused to make some decisions. I had a sampler pack from LuckyBloke with about 15 different kinds of condoms. We discussed what the features were of each one and I let him decide which one he wanted to try. Naturally, he lost his erection while we were talking about the technical stuff. Lots of guys seem to get bashful about any momentary softness – let me just add here… that ebb and flow of tumescence and flaccidity? It’s normal; guys, you’re really not all expected to be 12 inches long, stay rock hard, and last all night.


The next time I chose which condom we used. That sampler pack from the good people at LuckyBloke had many great options (p.s., send more please :)). I have discovered that I have a favorite type – The One brand Flavor Waves – for a few reasons:

  1. they come in fun colors which add a fun, festive aspect. Sex educator extraordinaire Megan Andelloux suggests color coding for the various holidays, you know, just for fun.
  2. if there are any tears or holes in the condom then they are easier to spot once unrolled onto the penis than in traditional condoms.
  3. it makes putting condoms on with your mouth so much more tasty – a fun party trick you can easily learn to make condom application fun and part of your play… I hesitated to put a quick video tutorial for this part on here although I thought about it.

– – it was the icing on the cake for the Safer Sex Trifecta (Talking about STI’s/Testing, Consent, and Using Protection).

I share this story for a few reasons. You’re more likely to get what you want if you ask for it, and getting the other person’s consent can be pleasurable and lead to some fun-filled experiences. For both of you. It doesn’t matter if you are a sexologist or not, go out and ask for what you want. But make sure to listen for the “YES”.

NOTE: did not put me up to this review (I was reviewing a different product). The sampler pack was sent NSA – no strings attached. I am including the site in this story because I am pleased with the product she sent to me. You may use the code AMAZING for 20% off everything at until August 31, 2013. Tell them I sent you.

The MamaSutra (Lanae)


Sometimes, Girlfriends Are Better

The Dating Mommies have been away for a while. We apologize if you missed us and wondered where we went.

Alyssa has found a love like none other. Her new husband Brady is quite a keeper. I’m sure Alyssa will write a post of her own to update you. In the past year I dated one person who had issues of their own not yet resolved, and while it was easy and comfortable for me, it wasn’t what I wanted or needed so it ended. I don’t like to speak negatively about exes so I’ll leave it at that (although some info about that relationship do show up in this interaction below).

I am back to dating and I have recruited the old bloggers who are still available to join me in blogging about the trials & tribultions of dating as a 40+ mother again… and also a few new friends will be joining us.

For those of you just finding the Dating Mommies now – Welcome! We hope you enjoy the ride.


If any of you wonder if Alyssa and I are friends and really spend time talking with one another about regular stuff (not just sex), here’s an excerpt of a text conversation we had earlier this month. No, we don’t always have things perfectly figured out – just like many of our girlfriends. Yes, we do occasionally need to be reminded of advice we would give to others if the tables were turned. Sometimes we just can’t see the forest for the trees.

  • Alyssa Royse

    You doing okay?

  • no contact

    im ok

    dunno what the last i shared w u on the situation was

  • couple days ago. you were sad, understandably.

  • we’re on a break again. i think he’s really scared of how we got so close so fast. I know I was


  • of course im rationalizing. I’m good at that

    i basically have. im dating again

  • don’t rationalize. you do not need to give someone space to realize how great you are.

  • yeah. i know that

  • remember what happened when you kept rationalizing blake’s behavior.

  • ugh

    why was i doing that again?

  • be free, young one.

    because it’s a tough habit to break.

    That one guy helped me break it!

  • i know that

    which part was i rationalizing with blake, cuz his issues were different than this guy

    this one i sense is just scared of my power

    or he’s afraid of intimacy too

  • the “i know he is not giving me what I need and reacts negatively to who i really am, but it’s okay because….”

  • lol


  • he was.


    but when i told this guy i think i’m falling in love he backed off

    but seriously, why does anyone listen to tipsy post coital blatherings? dammit – i haven’t felt love for so long – what i said was closer to “i think i’m developing feelings” than “MARRY ME”

  • Alyssa Royse

Because in their own tipsy post coital haze, when you say “i think I’m developing feelings” an insecure person will hear, “I am about to judge and test everything you think to be true about yourself so that you can watch it fall apart piece by piece, thus proving your are worthless and deserve to die alone.” Surely you can see how those sound the same.

hmm. i didnt think that

 That’s because you’re a grown up.

find one who wants to STAY in it. LOTS of men have been attracted to my power, then scared of it when they got in. staying power matters.

  • i know i want someone who can handle that

    and i’m not waiting

    like i tried to w blake

    im absolutely on board with what you are saying

  • I know you are. And you’d say it to me. but we never remember when its ourselves.

     not even me.
  • which is also why i appreciate you telling me again!

  • Cut loose. Fully. Not a break, but a break up. He can come back later if he changes….

  • he’s got stuff to figure out and i’m not staying and waiting for it

  • YAY!

  • well i think that’s what we’ve done but we’re still connected via skype and fb. if we want contact we will be in contact. so far nothing

    you knew we were on a 2 wk break right?

he text me thurs, fri (both days a sort of thinking of you – not booty call – text), then sat insisted he come to pick me up from my event which was in his hood. that was a booty call

monday i said i don’t want booty calls w you

  • no, i didn’t know it was a 2 week break. i thought you were done, which is why I was surprised to hear you weren’t.

  • that’s when we decided basically we’re done. and it hadn’t been 2 wks

  • good. be done.

  •  yup

    im going about my life

  • it sucks. i know.

  • i think i’ve ID’d my man obsession:

  • who?

  • no, why. i write and talk sex every damn day, it kills me to not have physical contact with a man. i can masturbate until my fingers are prune but it doesn’t fulfill me.



    you get the idea


  • that sounds human. intimacy matters, but unlike sex, you can’t fake it.

  • BOOM


  • and the cheap substitutes just make it worse.

  • Ab-so-fuckin-lutely

  • you want it so badly you’re willing to accept substitutes.

    I get it .

    I did it.

    I’d still be doing it if I hadn’t met brady.

  • well, not substitutes so much as bookmarks

  • but you are SO WORTH IT.

     bookmarks, better.

    but they hold space and keep you stuck where you were, not where you want to go.

  • i’m getting closer. i can taste it

  • you are. I know it.

  • I almost said spaceholders

    exactly. space holders/bookmarks. we’re totally talking about the same thing

    either way, no advancement

  • i think it’s all connected…… let’s get the work stuff rolling and the personal stuff will follow. plus, i think you’ll get a lot of the intimacy and pride and momentum you need that way.


    So here I am… I’m waiting for Vizzini… (no, I’m not calling you Fezzik, Alyssa. Although my hair on a bad day could be seen as Inigo’s… Hmm)
    Wish me (and the rest of the Dating Mommies) success!

What Happened To Anita’s Posts?


They’ll be back. She’s having a struggle with someone who figured out her real identity and her lack of anonymity is bothering her. Lanae and I are working with her to sort out issues around her right to tell her story however she wishes. She has always, as we all have, gone out of her way to protect everyone’s identity and simply share her own stories, lessons, views and ideas.

We support her, 100%. No matter what happens, no one has the right to take your voice or your story. Treat people kindly, but don’t surrender your voice and story, and the right to express it. It’s a risk we all take when we have any sort of relationship. The things we do together become joint property, and there are no take-backs.

Dipshit the Teletubby

I get that the whole idea behind dating is that you meet lots of people, get to know them, give them a chance and hope that somewhere, in all of that energy, you find a good one. This is the same logic that causes people to pan for gold, bent over and knee-deep in a river. Or pray, just in case there’s a heaven.

I am neither a gold-digger nor a magical thinker. I just want some no-drama good times that include good sex. But that voice that says, “give him a chance, be nice” wins over now and then. And that, my friends, is how I wound up on a date with a Teletubby. Wishing it would end. Continue reading

That Takes Experience!

So last night I went out with a guy that I’ve known peripherally for years, we’ll call him Chap, which is nothing close to his real name. There’s always been a certain flirty chemistry between Chap and I, but we’ve never been single at the same time, and the women I’ve seen him with are so different from me that I’ve never really considered the possibility of anything other than entertaining flirting 4 times a year when we happen to run into each other.

Frankly, the women I typically see him with are a bit on the high-maintenance and fussy side. Fine, if that’s what you’re into, but if that’s what you’re into, you won’t be into me. Continue reading

Am I Allergic To Good Guys?

When I look back at the men I’ve dated, and even just the ones that I respond to in this online-dating adventure, I have to really question my judgement. I’ve always said that I don’t have a type. Clearly, I do: I like men who are not interested in having a relationship with me. Bonus points if you have substance abuse issues and live a thousand miles away. Seriously. Continue reading

Stats About Why Older Women ROCK!

Okay, I’m kind of a data whore. Maybe not the most popular kind of whore on the market these days, but my Spock-like brain just loves data. I mean, how else are you going to make a logical decision about something. Imagine my joy at finding all of these graphs and charts to prove what some of us hot-mamas already know – women our age ROCK!

The Case For An Older Woman.

We know, guys think they want younger chicks because they’re “hotter,” whatever that means. But there are plenty of women “of a certain age” who have rocking hot bodies. We also have enough experience in life that we don’t do the drama thing, know why and how to have rocking sex, and are busy raising our own kids so we’re not gonna try and raise you.

OK Cupid has lots of great graphs and charts about the dating behavior of its millions of users. But right now, this is my favorite!

I’m Diving Into The Dating Pool

I’m going to do this dating thing, for real. I’m doing it to show myself that I can, and maybe to see if it helps “him” realize that I can to. To be fair, we were both pretty clear when this started, months ago, that we weren’t in it for a “relationship.” (That particular phrasing kills me because the moment you interact with someone, you have a relationship. I have a relationship with my butcher, for chrissake! It’s about being clear about the boundaries and expectations of your relationship, not denying its existence.) Continue reading