Melting pt. 2. Melting leaves a mess on the floor. AKA get a fucking grip

Ok, so here’s the deal.  Melty guy is making me melt.  Totally.  And it’s making a big giant mess that I totally don’t understand how to deal with.  I have feelings.  How the hell did that happen?  Numb is so much better.  I understand numb.  Numb and I are buddies.  Numb never picks on me.  Numb is my friend.  Numb is my friend with low expectations.

And now I have feelings.  Not fair.  I don’t know what to do with feelings.  It’s like being dumped in (insert random foreign country where you’d be afraid to be dumped).  I don’t know the language, the culture, the traditions.  I am so out of it.  All the confidence I had when I was just dating is right out the window.  I feel less prepared for a relationship than I ever have in my life.

And running seems like the best option.  Because this is messy.  I feel like I just walked in and sat down at the final exam of a class I never attended.  This is messy, I am messy, and I can’t get a grip.  It’s like a fucking cheesy romance/comedy hour/horror picture in my head.  I get all dreamy – oh man, he likes me.  I like him.  This is so darn perfect.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he’s fun to be with, we Continue reading

Advertisements

PDTP

Post-Divorce Trust Puzzle

In the four plus years since I’ve been separated and then divorced, I’ve evolved my self-awareness more than any other time I can remember in my life.  At first, a lot of it was not necessarily self-affirming.  In fact, a lot of my self-awareness came through plights that felt downright ugly.  Continue reading

Hot Guy

It all started with a facebook picture and a memory of a cute boy with a great smile from 29 years ago.   Next came a simple friend request, acceptance, and then months later, a request to meet up for coffee or drink.

And that first meeting, oh did I drink.  And drink.   And drink.  Interspersed with A LOT of flirting.  And then came the kissing.  We made out like highschool kids and my heart Continue reading

On cloud zero….or….Fuck me (not the good kind)

Somewhere between Thursday and Friday my ticket for cloud nine got downgraded and no one told me. Not that it took too long to figure it out. And not that I shouldn’t have seen it coming.

Part of it is my fault.
When you plan to spend time with someone who has proven to be less than a qualified partner in crime in the past, what do you expect? Then there’s the EX factor and not only are you downgraded to cloud zero, but, zero’s all grey and full of thunder and lightning. Let’s review the downgrade in detail. Continue reading

Exposing Me

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the day I made the best decision of my life.  The “awakening” as I refer to it hit me like a freight train that day.  I could not do it anymore.

It was time.

And the words just fell right out of my mouth.

That began the long (understatement) process of my divorce, and here I sit 4 years later, to the date, never happier, never regretting the decision for one single moment.  That was the day something in me transitioned.  It was survival instinct in many ways.  I was almost completely gone, and it frightened me.  It was the only way to get me back.  I had tried every other way, to no avail.  And I was terrified that my kids would never know ME.  So I did it. Continue reading