Sex and the Single Mother… And Her Kids.

Previously published on Good Vibrations Magazine’s Sexy Mamas Blog
There are lots of challenges to being a single mother; Dating when you have small children is one of them.

I’m very protective of my girls, as I’m sure you are of your children, as well. I’ve started dating a new guy who I really like.  We’ve have been able to see each other often and, after a bit of screening, comes over in the evenings after my girls are in bed.  Marcia and Cindy have asked to meet him but I told them no, not yet. It’s not appropriate.  I have explained to my children that they are #1 in terms of importance to me and that I am protecting them.

My sensitivity is around introducing them to anyone new too soon.  For example, if things didn’t work out with us early on in the relationship, not having met him would save my children the potential heartbreak of having another person leave their life.  As it is right now, my children understand that he and I are dating…a process where we go out on dates to movies or dinner, etc, he brings dinner for the two of us some nights after the girls go to bed, I talk to him on the phone and we text each other; a courtship if you will.  The girls see my reaction to everything and I’m open with them about how this relationship makes me feel.  If this man makes it past the screening process, and he and I determine we want things to progress to a more committed stage (however this commitment is defined), then I will make the introductions.

Conversely, I have also told my children that, as their mother and protector, I want to meet anyone they date right away as opposed to waiting until they are “in a relationship.” I want to normalize this expectation now while they are young so it’s not strange later and I don’t get the “But MOOOooooOOOM…” that would inevitably follow.

I plan to tell my daughters that when they do start dating, I expect that their date will come over to have family dinner with us 2 or 3 times BEFORE they will be permitted to go out on a date on their own. I plan to tell my daughters that I value close personal relationships with intimacy.   I want to help them grow in love and closeness to the person they are dating before they get intimate, even if I haven’t always done this myself.  I plan to point out that they are wonderful, whole little beings right now as they are and that getting older doesn’t mean they need another person to COMPLETE them.

Will it be possible that they even look forward to dating this way?   I think laying the foundation now along with my values explanation is what is important. So far, I have shared with them (often!!) that no matter what they do or which path they choose, I’m going to love them totally and unconditionally.  And I hope my behavior thus far has set that foundation for them to understand that I’m speaking the truth.

So, from now until they start dating, I’m going to do my best to continue to be open and non-judgmental about sex and sexuality. I’m going to try to be open with my children about the feelings I have about dating. We already talk openly about sex; I’m sure somewhere down the road soon Marcia will inquire about whether or not I’m having sex with this person.  I’ll cross that bridge if and when I should get to it.

“He’s just not that into you”? We’ll see if that’s true. :)

Dating for me lately feels like a series of starts and stops. And lately it’s been more “stop”.

I feel like I have been so busy with work lately and I have not been making time for dating – you know, meeting people for coffee or going out for drinks or going on hikes, etc. Since I write from home I have a limited footprint of possible places to meet men. It’s been kids’ camp -> home -> back to camp -> whole foods -> home. If I hit the grocery store at about 5:30, then there seems to be an uptick in men shopping but I’m really not that bold to ask someone out. It’s bad enough that I embarrass my daughters when I do make idle small talk with the random cute guy wearing no ring – but I make small talk with women as well – And I have yet to make a date with anyone, or have anyone ask me out for that matter, as a result of my chattiness. *sigh*

Chemistry and connection are so important for me. I have been out lately going to different fundraising events for the festival I will attend at the end of August. I’ve met a couple men at these events with whom I sense a connection mainly because of the tremendous community. Certainly ones I am sexually attracted to… To be honest, I’m a little afraid of asking them out. I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my doing that but, knowing the societal “norms” and the messages people get even today that “women should never ask men out”, I fear rejection.

Recently a guy tried to tell me that men want what they can’t have and, by extension, women asking men out is flying in the face of this. Here’s the thing: I know lots of men AND women who want what they can’t have. Personally, I’m not a fan of playing games or waiting idly by for someone I want to get to know better to maybe get the hint that I would go out with him if he asked. Did I mention I am completely unskilled at the art of flirting? Besides, I feel more comfortable being direct and less ambiguous when I’m interested in someone. So in this instance, it behooves me to give myself the advice that I would give any of my girlfriends:

1. Ask anyway.
2. Be prepared to get a “no”.
3. Be okay with that.
4. In that case, it’s NOT you, it’s HIM. 🙂
5. Also, be prepared to get a “yes”.
6. Be joyful.
7. In either situation, pat yourself on the back for asking and surviving!

We’ve all heard it thousand times: How will you get what you want if you don’t ask for it? Or put another way, you will never know until you ask. I saw a quote recently. “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover” — Mark Twain

Not everyone grips so tightly to those societal norms. And you know what? I know for me, with my open, honest style, I want someone who is not bothered or offended or “emasculated” by my asking. For all of us, the right person is going to be okay with this.


Sometimes You Need A Palate Cleanser

I think I’ve managed to give the impression that I take sex and dating very seriously. That’s far from accurate, after all, I’m the genius that brought you The Revenge Fuck & Other Bad Ideas. It’s just that I think a lot about the impact of sex and dating, so I’m pretty thorough about my reflections –  after the fact. That impact leaves a pretty strong aftertaste, and sometimes it takes a good palate cleanser to prepare you for what comes next. Preferably, a really hot one.

Lanae wrote about the Post Divorce Phases a while ago, and she’s right on. What she refers to as the The Slut Phase is the “lots of sex right after divorce” stage. I think this applies to the initial phase after any break up, and I think it’s essential. That is the phase in which we enjoy lots of tasty palate cleansers. Continue reading

Talk is not Cheap, it’s Hot.

Let me just say, I love healthy, respectful discussion.  It’s a REAL turn on for me.

That said, this series of (so far) 4 previous blog posts by Alyssa and me

1. a little help here

2. it’s a jungle out there

3. she’s a brick house

4. eye candy, sugar daddies and cougars (oh my!) Continue reading

She’s a Brick House

I have a guy friend who wanted to weigh in on the last two blogs by Alyssa and me.

He tried to give me an analogy using Real Estate to explain our situation.

Remember the guy who got 5 dates immediately?  He’s the cute house on the corner that people have been waiting to come on the market.  The minute it (he) does there are plenty of agents (friends) who have the perfect buyers (ladies). Continue reading

Chicks (Like Me) Are Crazy

It’s happening again. My inner-crazy-chick is trying to make my outer-cool-chick do stupid things. More like NOT do smart things, but at a certain age, that’s the same as doing stupid things.

And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that the ex once again came over for a seemingly legitimate reason yesterday and we wound up fucking the afternoon away. It’s sweet that he knows when my kid gets back from soccer though, right, so he could keep an eye on the clock. I really do need to stop this. Continue reading

How does this work for Single moms with kids?

Given my career choice, I come across lots of articles on dating and relationships, besides all of the sex stuff.  I saw this article and can get my head around it.  In theory, I like it.  But the article All The Single Ladies fails to address one thing in my opinion.  Yes, it’s fun and fabulous to be single and unattached, foot loose and fancy free… but what about the sisters who are newly single and who have children?

Continue reading

Date Me, Date My Daughter

WATCH this clip from Home Movies, in which the mom tells her son that divorced women should be dating and stop hiding their light! An uncomfortable conversation we've all had, and NEED to have!

I’ve written a lot on my personal blog about the challenges of dating as a mother. Finding that balance between getting my own needs met as an individual while respecting the impact that my actions have on the life of my daughter.

There are so many things to take into consideration, it’s kind of daunting – which is probably why I mostly just choose to live with integrity and answer any questions that come up. In that regard, being a mother is such a help. I simply have to imagine explaining a situation to my daughter; what I would say and how I would feel about it. If I don’t like what it would teach her, then I know I have something to think about. Continue reading

My first exposure to Viagra

oh lord. i’ve been saving this one up.

So i met this guy online dating. He wasn’t my type, physically speaking… shorter than i indicated as a preference in my profile, and a little stout (almost to the point of being heavy, but hey, at the time I was no Kate Moss) but he was reeeally funny in his profile. So funny. He had me at his username alone! Continue reading