Sex and the Single Mother… And Her Kids.

Previously published on Good Vibrations Magazine’s Sexy Mamas Blog
There are lots of challenges to being a single mother; Dating when you have small children is one of them.

I’m very protective of my girls, as I’m sure you are of your children, as well. I’ve started dating a new guy who I really like.  We’ve have been able to see each other often and, after a bit of screening, comes over in the evenings after my girls are in bed.  Marcia and Cindy have asked to meet him but I told them no, not yet. It’s not appropriate.  I have explained to my children that they are #1 in terms of importance to me and that I am protecting them.

My sensitivity is around introducing them to anyone new too soon.  For example, if things didn’t work out with us early on in the relationship, not having met him would save my children the potential heartbreak of having another person leave their life.  As it is right now, my children understand that he and I are dating…a process where we go out on dates to movies or dinner, etc, he brings dinner for the two of us some nights after the girls go to bed, I talk to him on the phone and we text each other; a courtship if you will.  The girls see my reaction to everything and I’m open with them about how this relationship makes me feel.  If this man makes it past the screening process, and he and I determine we want things to progress to a more committed stage (however this commitment is defined), then I will make the introductions.

Conversely, I have also told my children that, as their mother and protector, I want to meet anyone they date right away as opposed to waiting until they are “in a relationship.” I want to normalize this expectation now while they are young so it’s not strange later and I don’t get the “But MOOOooooOOOM…” that would inevitably follow.

I plan to tell my daughters that when they do start dating, I expect that their date will come over to have family dinner with us 2 or 3 times BEFORE they will be permitted to go out on a date on their own. I plan to tell my daughters that I value close personal relationships with intimacy.   I want to help them grow in love and closeness to the person they are dating before they get intimate, even if I haven’t always done this myself.  I plan to point out that they are wonderful, whole little beings right now as they are and that getting older doesn’t mean they need another person to COMPLETE them.

Will it be possible that they even look forward to dating this way?   I think laying the foundation now along with my values explanation is what is important. So far, I have shared with them (often!!) that no matter what they do or which path they choose, I’m going to love them totally and unconditionally.  And I hope my behavior thus far has set that foundation for them to understand that I’m speaking the truth.

So, from now until they start dating, I’m going to do my best to continue to be open and non-judgmental about sex and sexuality. I’m going to try to be open with my children about the feelings I have about dating. We already talk openly about sex; I’m sure somewhere down the road soon Marcia will inquire about whether or not I’m having sex with this person.  I’ll cross that bridge if and when I should get to it.

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Talk is not Cheap, it’s Hot.

Let me just say, I love healthy, respectful discussion.  It’s a REAL turn on for me.

That said, this series of (so far) 4 previous blog posts by Alyssa and me

1. a little help here

2. it’s a jungle out there

3. she’s a brick house

4. eye candy, sugar daddies and cougars (oh my!) Continue reading

She’s a Brick House

I have a guy friend who wanted to weigh in on the last two blogs by Alyssa and me.

He tried to give me an analogy using Real Estate to explain our situation.

Remember the guy who got 5 dates immediately?  He’s the cute house on the corner that people have been waiting to come on the market.  The minute it (he) does there are plenty of agents (friends) who have the perfect buyers (ladies). Continue reading

How does this work for Single moms with kids?

Given my career choice, I come across lots of articles on dating and relationships, besides all of the sex stuff.  I saw this article and can get my head around it.  In theory, I like it.  But the article All The Single Ladies fails to address one thing in my opinion.  Yes, it’s fun and fabulous to be single and unattached, foot loose and fancy free… but what about the sisters who are newly single and who have children?

Continue reading

Date Me, Date My Daughter

WATCH this clip from Home Movies, in which the mom tells her son that divorced women should be dating and stop hiding their light! An uncomfortable conversation we've all had, and NEED to have!

I’ve written a lot on my personal blog about the challenges of dating as a mother. Finding that balance between getting my own needs met as an individual while respecting the impact that my actions have on the life of my daughter.

There are so many things to take into consideration, it’s kind of daunting – which is probably why I mostly just choose to live with integrity and answer any questions that come up. In that regard, being a mother is such a help. I simply have to imagine explaining a situation to my daughter; what I would say and how I would feel about it. If I don’t like what it would teach her, then I know I have something to think about. Continue reading

My first exposure to Viagra

oh lord. i’ve been saving this one up.

So i met this guy online dating. He wasn’t my type, physically speaking… shorter than i indicated as a preference in my profile, and a little stout (almost to the point of being heavy, but hey, at the time I was no Kate Moss) but he was reeeally funny in his profile. So funny. He had me at his username alone! Continue reading

Exposing Me

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the day I made the best decision of my life.  The “awakening” as I refer to it hit me like a freight train that day.  I could not do it anymore.

It was time.

And the words just fell right out of my mouth.

That began the long (understatement) process of my divorce, and here I sit 4 years later, to the date, never happier, never regretting the decision for one single moment.  That was the day something in me transitioned.  It was survival instinct in many ways.  I was almost completely gone, and it frightened me.  It was the only way to get me back.  I had tried every other way, to no avail.  And I was terrified that my kids would never know ME.  So I did it. Continue reading

Advice from a Friend Who Has Been There

Back when I was separated (awaiting divorce paperwork to be done) from the Ex-Husband, I met a friend my age who was divorced and happily remarried and asked her about her divorce.  We didn’t get much of a chance to talk in detail that night because it was a class reunion of sorts and lots of drinks were consumed.  She followed up after a day or so with this sage advice in the form of an email.  I can’t tell you how much weight was lifted off my shoulders to read it: Continue reading